For those who always ask, “How do you do it?” when I mention that I am autistic, I usually respond back with a “I never really explain my past that much.” And to think about it, maybe that’s the reason why I grew to understand myself even more. I hated the minor mistakes that I made, but after every fault, it made me the person that I am now. I can’t really explain how thankful I am that everyone who acknowledges me for what I do and how I treat others now have grown on me, and as of now, it’s been the thing that helps me move forward.
So to further explain how I got around, well, I didn’t. I never really liked to explore outside of my comfort zone and it made me behave pretty emotionless, I was afraid to ask for anything I misinterpreted and never really liked to express my issues because I felt as though that I never needed to. So one of the things that kind of stuck out to me as a child was learning to use my voice on certain opinions, or even just to ask for something—I just never asked, I always thought the answer would be no. With that in mind, an assumed no to everything I did whether at home or school, I just remained silent for quite a while and had negative thoughts throughout.
My Mind was full of questions.
So now, the assumption of thinking that everything I was ever going to think of would be followed by the word no! I begin to slowly removed myself out of social environments…which was already an issue, I have become more apologetic and worrisome, and I never understood why. I could recall my mother telling me “if there is something you have to do (going to the bathroom, or homework assignments, etc.,) then do it”. But something always stopped me when it came to everyday household activities. So I exercised on that. Yes, for a couple of months there was a chart that I had (whiteboard listing activities) I would get rewarded for things that I DIDN’T ask to do (mainly going to read a book, going to the bathroom or just going to my room and getting something on my own initiative). My mind was full of questions and even if the matter was an urgent emergency I should have been able to handle it BEFORE I bother asking, however the questions had to be asked before I could react. I would constantly speak in the third person when I would request to do anything.
When I learned that I was autistic, I began to ask about why did I do the things that I did. I even went as far as thinking that I was the cause of my diagnosis. My mother told me that I was not at fault and I will grow to possibly overcome it. At times it appears to be something I did and am constantly doing right now. As I learn about my autism it gives me a breath of fresh air to grow and understand myself more. Sometimes, I feel like I can understand everything beyond my knowledge if I put my mind to it, but other times, it’s just the smaller things that can easily bother me, and others can sometimes pick that up.
Yes, there are times when I look off, but I don’t feel like I am off, and maybe that’s just something that I need to work on next. Along with not understanding other people’s facial expressions and connections to me, or my facial expressions to them. Sometimes it just looks like I am really distraught, and I never really knew or understood why.
Other than that, I am very happy for the inspiration of others who understood what I was going through when I do explain how down I was. I really do aim for a brighter future ahead, and even as I look back and just wonder why I was the way I was, I will not make autism or that I am considered disabled an obstacle. I will not let a bad day bring me down because:
Every day, the sun will shine, and the future will always be bright.